


Rules for Surviving the Winchesters

by tenebrae_di_oblio



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff, Humor, Insanity, Mentions of Rape, Torture, everything is in there really, spoilers from every season
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-08 22:46:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1958946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenebrae_di_oblio/pseuds/tenebrae_di_oblio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every hunter knows the rules for dealing with them, you'd be an idiot not to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is random but please comment anyway

If you wanted to hunt there were many rules that you had to follow, such as ‘never hunt a wendigo alone, it doesn’t end well’ and ‘silver, holy water and salt are the hunter’s holy trinity’. There were whole chapters dedicated to the rules of hunting certain monsters and what to do and not do whilst hunting it.

There was a whole book written on how to act when you met a Winchester.

**Rule #1 – don’t fuck with Sam, Dean will eviscerate you if you so much as think about hurting him.**

_Dean once took down a whole pub full of hunters, excellent ones at that, because they called Sam ‘freak’. Imagine what he would do to you if you actually tried to kill his little brother._

**Rule #2 – they’re immortal, deal with it.**

_They have been reportedly killed at least 5 times each, and after each one they appear back on the hunting radar a few months later, looking for all the world as if they hadn’t been killed a few months prior. It’s a scary thing, thankfully this only seems to apply to Sam and Dean, Hell only knows what would happen if John made a reappearance too._

**Rule #3 – don’t insult their car, they will treat it as an insult to themselves and beat the crap out of you for it.**

_The Impala is Dean’s baby and anyone who so much as scratches the paint job will get a beating from him anyway, insulting the car just ensures that Sam will also be there to hold you down while his brother kills you slowly._

**Rule #4 – don’t fuck Sam, you end up dead.**

_This is a strange but completely true phenomenon, as everyone who has ever had sex with the youngest Winchester always dies without fail. It is unknown how this happens, many assume that Dean kills them because they were not good enough for his brother, but the cause is still unknown._

**Rule #5 – never argue with them, Sam will argue you into a corner and Dean will just punch you and be over with it.**

_Dean is aggressive enough as it is, arguing makes it worse. Sam is rumoured to have gone to law school at some point, you don’t fuck with a lawyer, you just don’t._

**Rule #6 – don’t ever touch the journal.**

_They consider their journal more important than their lives. Sam repeatedly smashed Gordon Walker’s head into a table when the man offered to buy the journal off them, imagine what they would do if someone actually dared to steal it from them?_

**Rule #7 – don’t go for torture, it never ends well…**

_Sam has been a little unhinged for a while now…here is a transcribed recording from a time when someone actually managed to capture him for any length of time…_

_=== “_ Break me?” He asks hysterically, “You can’t break me! I spent an eternity being tortured by Lucifer and Michael, your ‘torture’ is nothing in comparison! Nothing! So just try to break me bitches! Just try!” He laughs out, head cocked to one side, eyes wide and demented, maddening grin etched on his face as he egged on his captors.

 “Break me, go on, burn me, cut me. Peel off my skin with white hot knives and dip me in salt, strangle me in my own intestines, drown me in my own blood, make me scream, make me cry, shatter my bones, force my spinal cord down my throat and choke me, tear out my heart, crush my inner organs, rip off my arms and legs, make me eat my own filth, pulls out all my finger nails, put needles in my eyes, hurt me, break me, rape me and tear up my insides, choke me with your cocks, fuck me over and over until I’m begging for it, make me watch my brother die over and over, kill my father in front of me, kill all the girls I’ve ever gone out with and fuck their dead corpses, make me kill them all over and over, tell me it can all end if I do it myself and watch as I kill myself over and over to get out of it, watch me give in and force me to kill my family in order to make the torture stop! Come on, come on, what ya gonna do? Physical? Sexual? Psychological? What type of torture are ya gonna use? What are ya gonna do to break me? Come on, come on, tell me, I’m just _dying_ to know! Break me bitches! Come on break me!!” ===

_..._

_…Yeah…If that doesn’t convince you then the fact that all of those men that captured him were put into intensive care and later transferred to mental hospitals after Sam had finished ranting at them and Dean had caught up with the idiots…Don’t go for torture…just don’t…_

**Rule #8 – pool and poker are no no’s if you ever come across them, they will take all your money and laugh in your face.**

_Sam and Dean seem to make a living off this, they are far too good at it to not make money out of it. Dean hustles pool like a pro and Sam has one of the best poker faces of all time (lawyer school must teach students to do it) they make lots of money out of this so trying to keep yours is an exercise in futility and bankruptcy._

**Rule #9 – Mary Winchester is a goddess in their eyes, treat her as such.**

_Both boys have easily decked anyone who dared to insult their mother, it is not worth the hospital bills and therapy that follow the Winchesters if you dare to mess with their mom._

**Rule #10 – they have contacts, really big ones, they will hurt you if you mess with them.**

_A list of names to watch out for in any case; Castiel, Crowley (sometimes), Cain, Meg, Charlie Bradbury to name a few._

**Rule #11 – don’t associate with them, great allies they may become but they have horrific enemies.**

_Abaddon – Knight of Hell. Crowley (sometimes) – King of Hell. Lucifer – AKA Satan himself. Michael – The Archangel. Uriel – Another Archangel. Raphael – Another Archangel. Lilith – Powerful demon. Eve – the Fucking Mother of Monsters. Azazel – tried to take over Hell, got close. Dick Roman – Leviathan leader, enough said._

**Rule #11 – they’re strong enough to TAKE DOWN all of their enemies, don’t fuck with them.**

_All of the afore mentioned enemies are either dead or trapped forever in Hell. Scary strong could easily describe the Winchester brothers._

**Rule #12 – they are always armed, it’s almost impossible to actually dis-arm them, they use everything as a weapon. Everything.**

_Sam decapitated a vampire using his bare hands and some razor wire, he got a little cut up in the process but the vampire died horrifically. They can and have used their bare hands to fell monsters and attacking hunters alike on numerous occasions, you cannot EVER dis-arm them, don’t try, they’ll take it as a threat._

**Rule #13 – if they start smiling like its Christmas, get out of there.**

_Nothing good can come of it._

**Rule #14 – killing them only pisses them off.**

_They are immortal, they just don’t die! People far more powerful have tried and failed in this regard._

**Rule #15 – they are wanted by ever secret service in the US and possible further, don’t associate with them.**

_They are the only pair of hunters to have a FBI folder that practically takes up a whole drawer of the shelving unit. The fact that half of their crimes weren’t actually performed by them is irrelevant, they do not know that and have been on the tails of the Winchesters for years._

**Rule #16 – don’t trigger Sam.**

_He’s been very unstable for a while now, he’s liable to do one of three things:_

_One – he snaps and uses his well known telekinetic powers to crush you into little itty bitty pieces._

_Two – he snaps and uses his bare hands to beat you into a bloody pulp._

_Three – he breaks down and Dean guts you for upsetting his little brother._

_All options will result in a painful end for you so don’t try it, just don’t whatever you do._

**Rule #17 – do not try to steal from them, ever.**

_In a reported case both thieves were killed by the cursed item that they stole, how the brothers survived is unknown, but they are immortal so it could be that the curse just doesn’t work on them. In any case stealing from them will end with you dead, either whatever you stole will kill you or they will (by doing it themselves or sitting by and watching as something else tears into you.)_

**Rule #18 – Kevin is off limits. Period.**

_You don’t touch Kevin, you don’t go near Kevin, you don’t even look at Kevin funnily, they will kill you. Kevin is like a younger brother to them, harming them will be met with extreme prejudice and the last thing you see will be their faces as they murder you violently._

**Rule #19 – if they are on a hunt that you are on then you get off that hunt as soon as possible.**

_Murphy’s Law applies to any hunt they go on. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, it will never be a simple salt and burn, after one hunt you will believe that Werewolves and Vampires to be the ‘simple stuff’. They have to deal with the Kings of Hell, Angels, Leviathans and much more, you don’t want any of that shit, you won’t survive._

**Rule #20 – they saved the world multiple times, they deserve respect, give them it.**

_The list of things that they have saved you from is long and lengthy._

_They may have started the Apocalypse accidently but Sam jumped into Hell to save the world and he did not come out unscathed._

_They closed the Hellgate and killed the one responsible for opening it, they then spent months tracking down all the demons and exorcising them._

_Sam on his own took down several powerful demons without moving an inch from his position._

_They stopped Azazel and killed him when he tried to raise an army of demons._

_They took down the Leviathans that were planning to enslave the whole world and use all of humanity as a food source._

_They almost put Hell in lockdown, they were only and hour away from doing so when something unknown stopped them._

_They killed the mother of monsters._

_They helped to stop an Angel Civil War._

_They killed a Knight of Hell._

_They locked Lucifer and Michael in Hell for all eternity._

_The list goes on. Point being that they have suffered and even died for the world (even if they haven’t stayed dead) so they deserve respect for it._

**For more rules (#21-#100) please refer to the full guide written by Chuck Shurley.**

**Thank you for reading.**


	2. #21 to #40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more rules

A continuation of Winchester Rules. Please adhere to them, as the Winchesters are liable to kill you if you so much as think of breaking one of them.

**Rule #21 – when it comes to weapons, they always win.**

_They have an arsenal that could surpass that of a US Military compound. C4, bazookas, anti-tank rifles, hand grenades, you name it they have it. It is unknown where they store all of this and how they managed to make silver bullets for an anti-tank rifle which must use a ludicrous amount of metal for bullets anyway, but they have been known to pull guns out of nowhere on a regular basis. When it comes to weapons the Winchesters always win, they’re named after a gun for God’s sake, would you expect any less?_

**Rule #22 – they pull rituals out of thin air, don’t tempt them to try it on you.**

_It is unknown where they get half of their rituals from but they are all powerful and they all work with extreme efficiency, you could name a monster and they could tell you five or more ways to defeat the thing, half of which would include extreme violence and the other half would include mass use of magic. Do not ever think that you know more than them, they will take the time to prove you wrong and leave your head spinning with ritual ingredients._

**Rule #23 – they are not monsters, do not try to hunt them, it doesn’t end well.**

_Gordon Walker tried and got turned into a vampire and then beheaded using brute strength and razor wire by Sam. Walt and Roy tried and actually managed to kill them, they came back and neither hunter has been heard from since. A couple of idiots tried to force Sam to do their dirty work once, he kicked their asses whilst unarmed and they both had weapons and guns. Case point – all it does is piss them off, you don’t want that._

**Rule #24 – drunk Winchesters are dangerous Winchesters.**

_Trying to take advantage of when they are drunk is a really bad idea, Dean can hold his liqueur like nobody’s business and Sam has the insane ability to become completely sober within seconds no matter how much he drinks. Trying to fight them when they’re drunk is an insane idea and should not be attempted._

**Rule #25 – don’t mess with Adam.**

_A boy called Adam appears with the Winchesters once every few years or so. During this time the brothers’ ferocity actually increases, avoiding them and Adam during this time will increase your life expectancy. It is unknown who he actually is but the brothers protect him to a dangerous level and caution is advised if you meet them during this time._

**Rule #26 – the ‘Supernatural’ series is true, read it but never bring it up in front of the Winchesters. Ever.**

_This book series actually follows the lives of the Winchesters and would help to explain some of the shit they’ve gone through. This series is very useful and if you could track down the author you may be able to find out more. However mentioning the books in front of the Winchesters results in immediate loss of limbs for any hunter. They hate the fact that their lives are a source of entertainment for hundreds of people and won’t hesitate to kill you for even mentioning it._

**Rule #27 – Castiel may piss you off but he can and will kill you if you try to hurt him, let alone what Sam and Dean will do once they find out you’ve tried to hurt him.**

_Castiel seems to be a constant for the Winchesters and is almost always seen in their company, he is abnormally aggravating but Sam and Dean treat him like one of their own and will not allow you to so much as touch him in a threatening way. Believe it or not this Castiel is very powerful and will destroy you if you attempt to hurt him or the brothers that he protects. You have been warned._

**Rule #28 – don’t question the scars.**

_They have been through things that would put down a terminator without fail, they do not come out of those experiences without marks to prove it. Their scars are large and very visible and not to be questioned under any circumstances, they will hurt you for asking. Case point, Sam has a large scar on his back right over his spinal cord, when a hunter tried to ask where this had come from and how he had survived it, Sam threw him across the bar into a table which sparked a bar brawl of epic proportions, it is not surprising that Sam was the only one to walk out of there unscathed two hours later looking like someone had killed his puppy. Asking leads to trouble so don’t._

**Rule #29 – the amulet is sacred, don’t touch it, don’t look at it, don’t even think about it.**

_The amulet that Dean wears never leaves his neck and is practically the Holy Grail to the Winchesters, it has been seen with them for over 20 years and is treated like a sacred idol by the two brothers. Touching it or (God forbid) trying to steal it can only land you in a heap of blood and trouble as they will do everything to make you pay for even touching it._

**Rule #30 – don’t question their choice in music.**

_Dean loves his music, as does Sam. Neither of them would hesitate to kick your ass back to whatever hole you came from for even thinking of dissing their music._

**Rule #31 – when they fight you run away.**

_The Winchesters are prone to fighting as all brothers do, interrupting their fight means that they will both turn on you instead of each other. It’s better to run away and leave them to brawl it out. And if you’re thinking of daring to take advantage of their fight to try to kill them then you’re an idiot. After all what sort of madman gets between two over 6 foot tall walking walls of muscle when they’re duking it out._

**Rule #32 – no one calls Sam ‘Sammy’ but Dean.**

_Many have learnt first-hand that calling Sam ‘Sammy’ is a good way of getting your face smashed in, first by Sam when he hears you say it and then by Dean when he undoubtedly finds out later and comes to beat it into your head._

**Rule #33 – no nick names. Full Stop.**

_Neither will appreciate it and they will hurt you for it._

**Rule #34 – any way to Sam leads through Dean.**

_If you want to get to Sam you have to go through Dean first and he will find nothing more pleasurable than ripping you to pieces for even daring to try and get to his little brother._

**Rule #35 – any way to Dean leads through Sam.**

_Sam has always been the younger brother but if you think for one second this means that he is easy to take down then you are dead already. Trying to hurt Dean means that Sam will stop you by any means necessary. Any means._

**Rule #36 – separating them is a no no.**

_Remember what we said about Sam being a little unstable…well that increases tenfold when you forcibly separate him from Dean. You don’t want to see the consequences._

**Rule #37 – Sam is the fountain of all hunter knowledge, if he doesn’t know something you can bet that he will be able to write a book about it in 24 hours.**

_They are absurdly well stocked with knowledge and aren’t fussy about informing others about the less important stuff. But if you dare to challenge that knowledge then you are doomed to migraines as Sam will correct you, repeatedly, on everything you think you know._

**Rule #38 – if the book belongs to Sam you don’t go within 10 feet of it.**

_Sam’s books are fiercely protected by said Winchester and you’d have more luck trying to kill a dragon than getting anywhere near those books without his permission. God save you if you actually damage them._

**Rule #39 – if they don’t want to be found then you won’t find them.**

_No one knows where their numerous hideouts are and how many of them they actually have, simply put if they want to disappear then they will and you will never find them until they reappear back on the radar again._

**Rule #40 – stay under the Winchester radar at all costs.**

_They have a high level of curiosity, if you catch your attention they will come and find you, which means that they will bring all of their troubles with them and most likely all of the enemies will flock to them when they find you because their luck if weird like that._

**Thank you for reading the second section of Rules. More coming by courtesy of Chuck Shurley.**


	3. Rules 41 to 60

**Rule #41 – he may be a werewolf but Garth Fitzgerald IV must never be hunted, Sam and Dean will hunt you in response.**

_Firstly Garth is a vegetarian wolf and eats animal hearts instead of humans so he isn’t harming anything. Secondly both brothers have come to see him as one of their own and hunting him will only serve as your death warrant._

**Rule #42 – don’t mention pranks. Ever.**

_Both Winchesters have a passion for pranking, a prank war between those two could consume a whole town in chaos as hey each try to outdo the other. If you do start a prank war the whole hunter’s association (yes it exists…it was created for this reason) will ensure that you are the one who has to clean up after their mess. If that isn’t enough incentive then consider the fact that the last time they had a prank war they painted a whole town to match the sky and forests around it, put laxatives in the whole town’s drinking supply then stole all the toilet roll in the whole town, dressed several hundred animals in various costumes to suit their needs, somehow got a hold of a hundred black 1967 Impalas all with the same number plate (which we assume matches that of their Impala) and then left the town a week later after Dean won by putting Nair into all of the shampoo in every shop in the town. Let’s just say that prank wars are to be avoided at all cost._

**Rule #43 – John Winchester is never to be mentioned in Sam’s or Dean’s presence.**

_It is unsure just what their father did to make Sam and Dean hate him to the degree that they do, Dean is especially volatile, Sam will glare and rage if you mention their father, but Dean will pound the speaker into the floor in his fury. His hatred of his father currently knows no bounds._

**Rule #44 – don’t go near them while they’re sleeping.**

_They have uncommonly good senses and can tell when someone untrustworthy comes near them while they’re sleeping. That coupled with the silver knives and guns that they keep under their pillows and you have a recipe for disaster for whoever wakes them up._

**Rule #45 – the laptop is a god in machine form, treat it as such.**

_Laptop = Sam’s = fiercely protected = immortal (how long have they had that thing?!) = god in metal casing = no touchie!_

**. Rule #46 – Sam’s puppy-eyes could bring down a god.**

_The youngest Winchester has the most adorable puppy dog look that can and has taken down a god before, something to do with Loki and a Mystery Spot but that isn’t clear, so if he looks at you with them just cave, you can’t do anything to resist the puppy-eyes of doom._

**Rule #47 – never speak of the Campbells.**

_Dean will wipe you out of existence for merely mentioning the name and Sam will go very very quiet and still like a statue. Then, if Dean hasn’t killed you already, you may witness Sam having a mini meltdown for reasons unknown and then Dean will kill you for making his brother upset and heaven and hell save you if Sam actually starts to cry because at that point you may find yourself vaporized when an angry Castiel comes to destroy the thing that upset the youngest Winchester, namely you._

**Rule #48 – there is no where you can hide if they want to find you.**

_They have a trained hacker on their team as well as Castiel – it is unknown what exactly he is but it is known that he can find almost anyone anywhere, no matter how you try to hide – even if Castiel can’t find you their hacker will, you cannot hide from cameras, satellites and technology in general no matter what you do, somehow they will find you and there is nothing you can do to prevent this._

**Rule #49 – if you want any help then go to Sam.**

_Sam is more likely to listen to your pleas and will be the one to convince Dean to help you with whatever you need help for, Dean may help you but that depends on what shit they’ve got themselves into at the time and how important ii is to them._

**Rule #50 – if you are a hunter turned monster and want help, they are surprisingly sympathetic.**

_Garth and numerous others have been helped and validated by the brothers as harmless to humanity, so they are pretty happy to help any creature trying to live as peacefully as possible. However if you start harming humans then you will be tracked down and hunted by the Winchesters in retaliation._

**Rule #51 – Dean is a faster shooter than you’ll ever be.**

_This is a well-known fact that if you want to fire your gun before Dean you have to first catch him off guard – not an easy thing to do in the least – and then you have to ensure that his gun is at least 6ft away from him – which is impossible – so basically you beat Dean in a quick draw. Full stop._

**Rule #52 – Sam’s speciality is knives, anything with a blade really, and the occasional hammer.**

_Sam is hella scary with a blade, he already has a long reach and is 6ft 4 inches of walking muscle but with a knife it becomes very clear that if he gets anywhere near you then you’re dead. And to explain the hammer…it’s unclear where it came from and how he got it but if you see him with a huge metal hammer that he calls Mjolnir…yes the one from Norse mythology…then run, run and don’t look back, that thing is dangerous on its own, let alone in Sam’s hands!_

**Rule #53 – nothing is impossible when it comes to the Winchesters.**

_They have seen it all, quite literally, there’s not much that can surprise a Winchester, and if you’re there when something does surprise them then get your ass on the road and away ‘cause you do not want to meet whatever strange oddity exists that they haven’t seen yet. They have seen everything; Faeries, Vampires, Gods, Demons, The Devil, Time Loops, Angels, Archangels, Deities, Nephilim, The 4 Horsemen, Reapers, Death, Siren, Dragons, Ghosts, Shape Shifters, Hellhounds, Kitsune, Wendigo, Phoenix, Rugaru, Tricksters, Skinwalkers, Khan Worms, Time Travel, Amazons, Shtrigas, Ghouls, Wraiths, Golems, Arachne, Shojo, Vetala, Changelings, Crocotta, Cupids, Tulpa, Daeva, Rawheads, Okami, Pishtaco, Rakshasa, Leviathans, Zombies, Poltergeists, Black Dogs, Lamia, Selkie, Kraken, Unicorns (yes, don’t ask how but yes), Succubi, Banshee, Witches, Acheri and much much more. Don’t doubt their experience with the weird, they’ve seen more than anyone could imagine._

**Rule #54 – if you ever see them after one of their many deaths then don’t interrupt the reunion hug.**

_They don’t care who sees them or where they are, if one of them has just died and come back to life then they’ll have the reunion hug, and if you interrupt it then you’re already in hell you just don’t know it yet._

**Rule #55 – don’t show Sam clowns.**

_He has an abnormally large phobia of clowns and showing them to him will either get you:_

_A – killed by a laughing Dean who hates you for scaring his brother and at the same time finds it all hilarious._

_B – killed by a murderous Sam because he hates clowns and wants to make you pay for showing them to him._

_C – smited by Castiel who hates you for scaring Sam._

_OR_

_D – all of the above with maybe Meg or Crowley thrown in for extra torture on your behalf._

_SO DON’T SHOW SAM CLOWNS!_

**Rule #56 – don’t show Dean any sort of dog.**

_He doesn’t really have a phobia of them to the same extent as Sam fears clowns but he will not be happy and neither will Sam or Castiel for that matter._

**Rule #57 – don’t take it personally if Sam doesn’t look at you when you’re talking to him or vice versa, and don’t mention it if he starts muttering about ‘Lucifer’ killing you in a violently brutal fashion, he can’t really help it.**

_Sam has been a little broken lately, ever since the year and a half long absence in the brothers’ hunting pattern, so don’t take it personally, he hates it far more than you do. Sam and Dean have mentioned that Castiel ‘fixed’ the problem of Sam’s sanity but this may still apply, it’s safer to include it than to leave it out as it means that you’re less likely to get offended and make the suicidal mistake of attacking Sam for it, something that will get you killed; if Dean doesn’t do it then it’ll be Castiel, and if neither of them get you then Sam certainly will._

**Rule #58 – in the incredibly unlikely situation that one of them starts crying then you offer hot chocolate (Sam) or a pie/pudding (Dean) and get the other brother there as fast as you can if he isn’t there already.**

_With all the shit that they’ve been through they have to break down at some point, here are some steps to take when it happens and you witness it;_

  1. _Offer hot chocolate (Sam) or pie/pudding (Dean)._
  2. _Call the other brother (if he isn’t there already.)_
  3. _If the other brother doesn’t answer call Castiel (either by phone or prayer [don’t ask it works])_
  4. _If Castiel is not answering then call Kevin or Charlie or possibly Benny._
  5. _Don’t ask Dean to talk about it._
  6. _Ask Sam if he wants to talk about it._
  7. _Have tissues on hand but don’t offer, just place within reach subtly._
  8. _Get out of there once the hugging starts._
  9. _Evacuate the area for up to 12 hours._
  10. _Never mention it in front of them ever again or breathe a word of it to anyone else._



_Follow these steps closely and never tell a soul what you see or hear during the event._

**Rule #59 – ‘cuddling’ does not exist in Dean’s dictionary, if you see anything resembling between the Winchesters it then call it ‘male bonding.’**

_Sam is the ‘soft’ one, the one who does the ‘chick-flick’ moments (as Dean puts it) whereas Dean (despite scaring every hunter and monster out there shitless) still thinks that a ‘chick-flick’ moment will make him less macho, he participates in them anyway ‘cause if Sammy’s hurting then his big brother instinct kicks in to make Sammy stop hurting by any means necessary!_

**Rule #60 – if you find a hurt or (all that is Holy and UnHoly forbid) a dying Sam Winchester then call Dean, wait for the instant appearance of said brother and then stand perfectly still and do everything he tells you to. Vice versa if Dean gets hurt.**

_Yes they have gone through things that would happily put down a giant, yes they have pain tolerances close to that of a god, yes they could be dying and still kill you before you could blink. But NO they are not masochistic, they don’t like the pain they’re just really used to it. Helping them in a time of need may earn you their favour, something rarer than mermaid’s toenails and harder to get than squeezing water from a rock (if you can’t earn their friendship then you may be better off, they may be immortal but you are not.) Help them, earn favour, be generous with bandages, beverages and offers of sleeping accommodations and you should be fine. Let it slip that you’re just helping them for personal gain however and [insert name here] will be permanently deleted from the world of hunters._

Here ends the next instalment of The Winchester Rules. Please follow all rules mentioned to have the best chance in surviving a Winchester.

Until next time.

Chuck Shurley.


	4. Rules 61 - 80

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to update, i got it finished 3 weeks ago but couldn't update before i went on holiday because of a computer problem. Hope you like it!

**Rule #61 – Sam likes exercise (jogging, stretching, pull ups and push ups, etc.) this is a common fact, don’t mention in in front of Dean.**

_Dean hates the ‘healthy’ exercise that Sam insists on doing each and every day, and as Sam usually comes back to the motel sweaty, red and barely on his feet, Dean is naturally worried about how healthy this exercise actually is, especially given the strain that Sam’s body has been under due to the hunting alone, Dean does not think that the exercise is helping seeing as hunting can wear out any Olympian on its own, let alone with help. Ergo if you mention it around him you won’t necessarily get killed, although it is a possibility, you’ll definitely get a long rant though, complete with actions and maybe some punching too, Dean finds it cathartic and is a naturally suspicious person, you have been warned._

**Rule #62 – together they’re the best hunter combination of their generation, don’t even attempt to deny this fact.**

_Both Sam and Dean have long distance capabilities with guns, but Sam is better at short range knife combat while Dean is better with the guns and hand to hand, and that’s just in combat. Sam is good in the knowledge department and can easily identify a monster using the small amount of info that they usually have to work with, Dean has more combat experience and also a variety of contacts to work with meaning if they don’t know what they’re fighting then Dean can call up old favours to ensure that by the ned of the day they know the monster’s weaknesses, abilities and possible allies as well. They are a good hunter couple and there is no denying that._

**Rule #63 – never approach them right after they’ve finished a hunt.**

_At that point both brothers will be tense and on edge, having just fought off something that could’ve easily killed them, they will also be tired and not in the mood for any shit at that point. Most likely, if they don’t just shoot you on sight or throw something sharp at you, they’ll just call on one of their many allies to deal with you while they rest, and if you want to be dealt with by anyone then you would want it to be the Winchesters, most of their allies aren’t the merciful sort. Heaven help your souls if you get landed with Meg or Crowley, mercy never existed in their dictionaries._

**Rule #64 – they have a love hate relationship with fire, they hate it for what it’s done to them but they can’t help but love it, so don’t give them a reason to make you burn.**

_Of course every hunter has to know their way around a flame, the job requires no less than that, but the Winchesters have always had a connection with fire:_

-          _Their house and mother burning when they were kids._

-          _Growing up with numerous Salt and Burn jobs._

-          _Sam’s girlfriend dying in their burning apartment._

-          _The demon Azazel burning all its victims, the demon they were chasing for years._

-          _Hell fire._

-          _Angel flame._

-          _Lucifer and Michael’s torture._

_They have numerous reasons to have the hot element but at the same time it’s been one of the few constants in their lives and they just can’t help but love it for that._

**Rule #65 – don’t fuck with Dean, you don’t want to know what Sam will do to you if you do.**

_This is pretty self-explanatory but:_

_Sam + Telekinesis + 6ft 4” of muscle + anger issues + brotherly instincts + any allies he’ll call up to hunt you down and tear you apart and make you feel like a worthless and insignificant worm compared to Dean = a possibly dead, definitely mentally and physically scarred hunter…_

**Rule #66 – they find beating up idiots cathartic, don’t tempt them.**

_If you’re stupid enough to anger them then they’ll happily rearrange your skeleton and internal organs for you._

**Rule #67 – fan girls will not be tolerated.**

_Unfortunately they do have fan girls due to both the ‘Supernatural’ series and their infamy in the hunting world. This also means that they have developed a healthy hatred of fan girls and all that go near then will be met with a door to the face, quickly followed by both brothers immediately vacating the area. Repeated attempts will result in the business end of the nearest gun being pointed in the face of said fan girl. You have been warned._

**Rule #68 – when it comes to fan boys they have a shoot first policy.**

_Their courtesy to fan girls does not extend to fan boys, who will be shot on sight. You will survive though, probably._

**Rule #69 – if Dean starts growling (and you WILL know when he does) run. Run and don’t look back.**

_This usually happens when something goes terribly wrong or when Sam gets hurt/injured/kidnapped, if it’s the latter then you_ will _stay and help track the younger Winchester down, if it’s the first two options then you say long enough to ensure that Sam is fine and that Dean is with him and then you run. If Dean starts growling at YOU, then you run away with your tail between your legs and never set foot in front of him again._

**Rule #70 – Sam has a dangerous reaction to small spaces, it would be in your best interests to get him out of the small space if you ever find him in one.**

_It might be due to his staggering height, but Sam has never liked small spaces, and Sam + confined space = trouble. So removing him from this space as promptly as possible will be very good for your life expectancy in the long term, as leaving Sam there is likely to get you killed by either Dean (when he inevitably finds out) or Sam (when he gets himself out, which he_ will _) or Cas (who will not be happy or merciful for that matter.)_

**Rule #71 – evil laughter is NOT a good sign.**

_It either means that they’re been possessed (in which case RUN, as anything strong enough to possess a Winchester is too strong for any normal hunter to take down) or Sam has had a ‘eureka’ moment (in which case you better run just out of principle, Sam’s ideas were never really on the sane end of the spectrum.)_

**Rule #72 – insulting them in another language won’t work, they’ll speak it as fluently as English and beat you up for good measure.**

_It’s not well known that both brothers are very knowledgeable as far as hunting goes, this includes any language that they think will help them in the long run, so far the list includes Latin, Greek, French, Japanese, Spanish, Ancient Egyptian, Enochian (don’t ask what that is, and if you know what it is then don’t ask how they know it), Sanskrit, Ancient Persian, Norse, Chinese, Ancient Chinese, Italian and more, this is the list of languages that others have heard them speak or write, there are likely to be even more. And as far as insulting them goes, don’t try it, they are happy to verbally tear you apart if you do, and if that doesn’t work then a solid beating will._

**Rule #73 – never insult Sam’s fashion sense. Or Dean’s for that matter.**

_The Winchester both have individual fashion tastes, and will wear whatever they’re comfortable with, insulting their fashion tastes will just piss them off – Dean in particular – and pissing them off takes you another step closer to the afterlife._

**Rule #74 – just don’t insult them at all.**

_You will end up hurting a lot, or dead, either one._

**Rule #75 – if they say there’s a Hell Hound, then there is DEFINITELY a Hell Hound.**

_They have more experience with the ‘guardians of Hell’ than any other hunter to date. So when they say that there is a Hell Hound in the area and that they will take care of it, you thank them and count your blessings that it was them who turned up to help you – you would be dead otherwise, no question – you DO NOT doubt them because that will end up with both you and the Hell Hound dead, after the Hell Hound killed you for being un prepared, and Sam and Dean killed the Hell Hound for being a Hell Hound._

**Rule #76 – for all that is Holy, _never ever_ mention glitter!**

_Dean will murder you, not kidding he will just up and kill you if you dare mention the word in his presence. Sam will get a strange glint in his eye and you’ll spend the next month desperately trying to find out where the glitter that has invaded your clothing (and any place you stay in) is coming from. And the glitter will be pink, blinding neon pink._

**Rule #77 – don’t give them burritos…just don’t.**

_Three words; toxic, noxious, gas._

**Rule #78 – scratching the Impala will result in immediate departure of the world of the living, and only hell awaits you if you _dent_ the car. **

_That car is Dean’s baby, he will go to any and all lengths to protect it. Laying a finger on the Impala’s paint with the intent to harm and Dean will cut that finger off, scratching the paint and you’re already dead you just don’t know it yet, dent the car…well, Dean must have learnt_ something _in his many stints in hell…_

**Rule #79 – if you hear Sam muttering something about never wearing broken crowns then back away slowly and vacate the area immediately.**

_Sam has a thing about being controlled, both brothers do really, the anti-possession tattoos are a good indication of this. But ever since the ‘Lucifer-Apocalypse’ thing Sam’s hatred of being controlled by anything but his own mind has risen to all new levels. So if you hear him saying any of the following statements then get away from him ASAP, it’s a clear sign that he is not in the mood for anything other than friendly company:_

-          _I’ll never wear your broken crown._

-          _I took the road and I fucked it all the way._

-          _I’ll never be your chosen one, I’ll be home, safe and tucked away, where you can’t tempt me if I can’t see the day._

-          _The pull on my flesh was just too strong, stifled the choice and the air in my lungs._

-          _In this twilight how dare you speak of grace._

-          _Consign me not to darkness._

**Rule #80 – if they help you on a hunt you smile and wave when they leave, no matter the collateral damage they caused, you freaking _smile_ and _wave!_**

_After a hunt they are not always in the best of moods…definitely not if that hunt had anything to do with Hell Hounds, Vampires or Demons. If you don’t want to be under the receiving glares, scathing insults and impossibly long grudges you’ll hold your tongue while they’re leaving no matter how much damage they caused._

Here is the second to last instalment of the Winchester Rules. Hope they keep you alive when you meet them.

And please don’t mention Becky, she’s taboo at the moment – for obvious reasons.  

Chuck Shurley


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